Affairs of the heart should never be mixed with mature, adult conversation

So the paramedic and I had a discussion today about how we don’t make sense long-term.

I never thought we did. I wasn’t too worried about it. Apparently, though, he is. When I first met him and he was still seeing the other guy, I told him that I really wasn’t sure what I was looking for–if anything–and that I didn’t quite feel settled enough in Portland myself to get involved in any kind of serious relationship at that point. I’m now feeling settled enough that I wouldn’t mind being in a serious relationship, particularly with him. The world, as usual, has other plans, though.

We had dinner with some friends of his on Thursday night and when he dropped me off we were sitting in his car talking and he said something sort of out of nowhere about how I’ll be gone in two years. It really didn’t fit and it threw me off. I said that I had no idea where I’d been in two years–maybe still here and not going back to school (even though right now I do still see myself headed back to school). The conversation kept going and I wanted to call him on it but didn’t. Still, I had a long think yesterday at work while I was washing the dishes after the morning rush and figured that maybe he was worried about where this might be going. So, when he brought it up today after we had lunch together I wasn’t entirely surprised, though still caught a bit off guard since, of course, I didn’t want to think about the possibility that he might bring it up.

Firstly, he called me on my previous declaration that I didn’t want anything serious given that it’s been pretty clear from my behaviour and my statements recently that I wouldn’t mind something serious with him–and the same thing from his end, too. Although it’s clear that there is strong interest on both sides on possibly pursing something serious, he basically pointed out, as I said at the beginning of the post, that we don’t make sense long-term. Something with which I fully agree.

He talked about it referring more to my situation than to his–the fact that he didn’t want me to be in a situation where I wouldn’t want to go back to school in order to maintain a relationship since it seems pretty clear that going back to school is really what I ought to do after a few years off. I pointed out to him again that even if that is my plan right now, it’s not a rock-solid plan and one that I am fully open to the possibility of changing. One never knows what life will bring one.

Yet, given that he just turned 40–one of those big, important, time-to-take-stock-of-oneself birthdays–I think his own situation had much more to do with him wanting not to get involved in something serious and potentially long-term which obviously doesn’t make sense. We’re both at very different places in life right now. He can retire in ten years. It would be stupid for him to leave Portland before then–and were we ever to get involved with each other I would never expect him to leave to move with me to school. He’ll likely stay in Portland after he retires, but he doesn’t know for sure. As for me, I’ll be wherever I go to grad school for seven or eight years. Then, it’ll depend on where I can find a job after getting my PhD. I’ll be lucky–very, very lucky–to snag something really great as a freshly minted PhD. This is all super-long term thinking, obviously and, as I said, I never was thinking long term with him since it obviously doesn’t make a lot of sense.

He also was very up front about the fact that part of what triggered him thinking about all this was that an old flame had recently resurfaced in his life. Someone closer to his age, someone who lives in Augusta, the state capital about an hour and a half from here, but who may be soon moving to Portland, someone with whom he makes a lot more long-term sense. It was only a few days ago that they talked about the possibility of giving things another go and I guess they decided to see how it goes this time, see if they can work past the issues that they had before. I didn’t ask for a lot of details because I already had enough to process so I don’t even know how long ago it was that they had dated before. But that’s not really important right now.

Needless to say, this all sucks a lot. I was very much smitten with him. I very much enjoy spending time with him. Which isn’t to say that we won’t still spend time together. We’ve only known each other for six weeks or so and really only dated for a couple of weeks during that time. There’s definitely a lot of good potential for a really good friendship. I do think that there’s a lot of good potential for a really good relationship, too, but the circumstances would have to be rather different for a serious relationship to make sense.

He’s a really good guy and I fully respect his feelings on the situation as much as I may not like it necessarily. It always sucks when one has to make mature decisions about situations in which one’s heart is involved. Yet things always work out for the best in the end more so when everyone’s feelings are taken into account in addition to the reality of the situation.

No matter how smitten I am with him, no matter how much he adores me (his word), we don’t make sense long-term and he feels that he needs to take into account long-term possibilities right now over short-term fun. I’ll be in a funk for a few days now but I know it’ll be better in the long run.

Short update

I’m alive and well but still no internet at home. I think I’m going to be taking a bit of a blogging break until that gets worked out as I have access so infrequently. I’ll try to keep on top of things via audio posts. I’ll be moving to a new apartment in October and with any luck there’ll be wireless access there. If not, I’ll probably finally get round to getting my own access. You should all email me more anyway. Writing letters is a lost art. Let’s keep it alive!

The Weekend

It was good. It was long. Very long. I opened on Friday and never got round to napping, so it was a twenty hour day. As was Saturday because I didn’t sleep well on the ancient pull-out couch at my grandparents’ so I woke up again at five.

The wedding was lovely. The suit looked great. It was also a thousand degrees and humid. It was in one of my new step-mom’s friend’s backyards (it’s kind of weird–I have step-mom now. After all these years of having a step-dad. Not a bad thing, though.) I stayed in the suit for about half an hour after the ceremony, which was very nice and very simple, and then changed into a pair of linen shorts and a linen shirt. Much more comfortable. The suit, incidentally, was wool.

I was a bit disappointed that there was no dancing–they only had a two piece band. Sax and keyboard. They weren’t bad, though. Sort of jazzy. The food was pretty good. Simple. Perfect for the weather. Salad, BBQ’ed chicken, beef, swordfish and tuna kebabs with BBQ’ed summer squash, zucchini and eggplant. I made my toast after arguing with my uncle who wanted to have his after dinner cigarette first. It was also my grandfather’s birthday and my uncle, as the oldest, had been elected to bring the birthday cake to my grandfather. Ugh. Because he’s the oldest, he always likes to be in control of everything. And he can be such a bitch about it sometimes.

The toast went well, considering that I had only written it out and looked at it once the day before. Short, sweet, to the point. Light and a bit of humour thrown in.

I met a fellow McGiller, although she graduated a large handful of years before me, I assume. She now has a house in the Eastern Townships and said that anytime I wanted to visit that I could. Yes, please! And one of my dad’s long-time co-workers came up to me at one point and introduced himself and told me about how my dad is obviously very proud of me because he’s always talking about me and about what I was doing at school, etc.

It was kind of weird, actually, because my dad is generally so non-emotional. I know he approves of what I’ve done and what I’m doing but he never says anything directly. So it was a bit weird to hear from this third-party about how much he talks about me. Plus, he started to tear up during the ceremony. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad cry. It was really really sweet. And made me realise just how much he loves his new wife. Which, needless to say, is really nice.

After the wedding, my roommate and I headed into Northampton, which was just one town away, to spend the rest of the day. Lesbian capital of Western Massachusetts, for those of you unaware, and a generally cool place to spend time. We hit some used bookshops and some used records stores. I picked up a couple of cd’s and couple of books. One book (What Jane Austin Ate and Charles Dickens Knew, which is a book about the facts of daily life in 19th century England, is one that I’ve been wanting to pick up for a while). We had a beer at a micro-brewery which was fairly good and then had fairly crappy Tibetan for dinner.

Sunday, we stayed at my grandparents’ for lunch, hit the winery in their town on our way out of town and picked up some more wine to add to our collection. My dad had bought me two bottles of the kind I like (Yankee Boy White) for grad and had forgotten to bring them up in June. We picked up two more (Yankee Girl Blush and Quabbin Native) in addition to the gallon-sized bottle of Merlot that was one of the few left over from the wedding.

It started raining before we got on the Mass Pike and once we were on the Pike, the skies opened up and we drove between 10 and 35 mph for about two hours as it poured and poured and poured and lightning and thundered like crazy. It was pretty intense. But a lot of fun at the same time. We had some good conversations despite my being over-tired my this point because I still hadn’t slept well.

We got home, after stopping at my roommate’s parents’, around 8.30 and I crashed for the night. Although, being over-tired, I couldn’t get to sleep for a few hours and ended up watching Mrs Doubtfire. Always fun.

Today will be the first day back at work after three days off, which have been nice, needless to say. And I don’t have a day off again until next Saturday. Woo-hoo.

Oh, and since I haven’t posted anything for a week, I should give a short update on the man situation.

The EMT (paramedic, actually, which is a step above EMT as I have been corrected by him) came back to town last Wednesday and we met up for a drink on Thursday before I left for the weekend. He and the other guy have decided that they probably work better just being friends. So now there’s no other guy in the picture….

We had lunch and ice cream and coffee together yesterday afternoon….

Suited!

Buying a suit last night with my roommate was perhaps far more fun than should be allowed. It involved a Lebanese woman who swore I looked exactly like her best friend from Lebanon, a cute salesman that my roommate and I were vying for the attentions of, and two families shopping with their little kids that my roommate and I played with while we were waiting to be helped.

The suit itself is dark brown with gold and light blue pinstripes. I got an off-white/ecru shirt and a tie with little black and silver checks as a background with brown, tan and cream diagonal stripes. It looks SO good. And I already have the perfect striped socks to go with the colours. I went about $75 over the budget that I had planned on and am now pretty well broke. But I’m going to look FABULOUS!

Pictures, of course, will follow.

*whew*

That is a sigh of relief that my mother has decided not to come up and visit me this week. She realised how stupid it would be to come up for two days with my little brothers since I’m working the whole time anyway.

I really do love my new job. I love it so much that I worked a ten hour day yesterday during which I sat down for about ten minutes. It was great. Stupidly busy because of the stupid festival about which more people complained yesterday. My manager was trying to get me today off with no luck. I have someone who can potentially take my shift tomorrow although I think I’d rather have this coming Friday off. Still, I could use a day off at this point when I didn’t have to worry about going to work or maybe going to work. Plus, tomorrow I was already filling in for someone closing and then I’m supposed to open the next morning. That’s not so bad–closing means that I’d get out of there by 9 and opening is 6. Not great but doable. And, hell, at this point, if I work until Friday without a day off, I’ll have worked fifteen days in a row! Wee! So, I guess I’ll take advantage of getting tomorrow off. Then I’ll work Wed-Fri and have three days off for my dad’s wedding this weekend.

I had no luck finding a suit in any of the vintage shops in town unfortunately which means that tonight after work I’ll be heading out to the Men’s Warehouse. Blech. Maybe I’ll find something perfect though. One never does know.

Oh, and as it turns out, my roommate’s work thing got cancelled so she can come to the wedding with me! Yay! This means we actually get to spend more than a few hours together! We live together, but our schedules have been so opposite that we hardly ever see each other! I think we’ll probably spend the day in Northampton on Sunday, which will be a lot of fun. Of course, it’s like a four hour drive back here, I’m guessing, which means that we probably won’t stay too too late. She’s driving, though, so it’ll be up to her. Her car is a standard and I don’t drive standard very well. Sucks to be her, all that driving with which I’d gladly help out. Ah well.

I’ve been coming down to Casco Bay Books every few days to check my email using their wireless connection. None of the cute boys are working this morning right now. Alas. Life goes on.

The script

Here’s the text of what didn’t get posted in my audio post from Saturday night:

Incidentally, she knows the EMT rather well and she asked if I’d spoken to him today. I haven’t. He’s up north visiting his parents this weekend and into next week. He had dinner with his parents and the guy he’s dating at the resto on Thursday. I almost went in for a drink that night but then I spoke to him and found out that he was going to be there with them so I didn’t. He was actually away the beginning of the week too, so I haven’t seen him or spoken to him much since last weekend.

I’m not quite sure what to make of the fact that he had dinner with his parents and the guy he’s dating. To me that implies that he’s still taking this other relationship fairly seriously despite the fact that he has quite directly told me of his preference for me over the other guy. Still, as I’ve said all along, I have to respect the fact that he’s already in a relationship–nevermind how new it might be or how many apparent troubles there might be. He’s seeing someone else and shortly before he and I met, they had decided to try to go for something serious.

I really am quite smitten with him, but there’s someone else. I don’t want to be in the position of the other man and he really doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would create that kind of situation. He’s said at least a couple of times himself that he needs to figure things out with the other guy before anything might happen with us–IF anything might or could happen with us.

He’ll be back in town Wednesday or Thursday, I think. I’d like to see him before heading back to Massachusetts for my dad’s wedding though things might get complicated if my mother does come up for a few days next week. I can see it now. Dinner at the resto (I told the bartender tonight that I might bring my mother in next week). My mother and I at one end of the bar. Everyone else I know, including the EMT at the other end of the bar. It’ll be great.

Or something.

In any event, I should probably head to bed as I have to work tomorrow morning at 8. Much more manageable than 6 but still early enough.