Why must we be entrapped by our past?

Why is it that I can understand why the boy says that he needs a bit more space and yet my mind refuses to let him have it?

We had our first real relationship talk over the weekend. It was a very good talk, I think. For as much as I have on my mind about various things that I’ve mentioned recently, he has a lot on his mind too. He needs to figure out whether he’s staying in his job and, if not, what he’s doing. We’d fallen into a very comfortable pattern that meant that we were spending virtually every night together, which meant that although we were spending a lot of time together, we were both ignoring or procrastinating putting effort into other things that really ought to have been more focused upon.

He needs space to figure things out. I need space to figure things out. All this means is that we need to spend a little less time together. This isn’t a bad thing. He has become almost my entire social life because of the hours that I’ve been working. That’s not good.

We had an impromptu period of more space when he was sick for a few days last week and I didn’t see him. It really, really bothered me. More than it ought to have. A lot more than it ought to have. I started thinking all sorts of irrational things. Like he’s not really sick; he hates me; he never wants to see me. I figured I’d done something but couldn’t come up with anything. We weren’t talking very much while he was sick (not surprisingly–he was sick after all) and my mind kept leaping to the conclusion that our relationship was over.

For no reason.

Until it finally occurred to me where these ridiculous insecurities were coming from. Those of you who know me well will remember the relationship I was in that ended almost four years ago. When the guy I was seeing just walked away to start seeing someone new after I had bent over backwards to try to make things work.

There’s absolutely no reason to think that the current boy might be about to do this. None. He’s not one to play games, as far as I can tell. He’s not going to tell me that he needs space and then walk away. The need for space doesn’t even have anything to do with us. It’s because he needs his own time to focus on what he’s doing with his life. Which is the same reason that I need space.

Granted, the end result of all this thinking might impact our relationship. I can’t speak for him, but I know that my thinking leads towards my leaving Portland sooner rather than later. That’s one of the possible outcomes of his thinking too. If things are meant to work out longer term, maybe our thinking will coincide on this. Or not. There are so many variables and decisions between now and the end result that it’s hardly worth worrying about, right? Which isn’t to say that it wouldn’t be at the back of my mind even absent all this other fretting. That would only be normal. It’s all this other fretting that’s bothering me.

This boy is not that boy. Why does that emotional scar have to manifest itself now? Why am I able to fully agree to both of us needing space to work our shit out and yet simultaneously think that this is the end of the relationship? We both need to figure our shit out if we’re to move forward in the relationship, because we have to figure our shit out individually to move on with out individual lives. And we can’t move on with our joint life without being able to move on with our individual lives.

The question of the L word came up in our talk over the weekend and neither of us was quite ready to say it–and that’s okay. I think we both agree that it’s not something to be taken lightly or something to be thrown around carelessly. Even if I’m not quite ready to say that I love him, I definitely lurv him (apply your own interpretation as to what ‘lurv’ is versus ‘love’) a lot. I’ve come to care for him very deeply over the past three months and want to do whatever I can for him. If he needs more space, I want to give him more space.

Ultimately, it comes down to trust. Why is it that something that happened four years ago is not letting me simply adjust to this new situation? Why won’t my mind let me trust him? Especially when I fully agree with the fact that we both need more personal time? I have no logical reason to feel this way. I realise that the heart doesn’t work in logic but I hate feeling entrapped by something that happened to me in the past. Yes, that relationship that ended was a big one, one in which I had invested much more time. But, on the other hand, I was younger, too. Not that I’m so old now, but that was my first really long term relationship and it was a relationship I never would have let go on so long were I to find myself in it today. For as much as I was hurt by the way that it ended, I made my fair share of mistakes while I was in it, I’m sure.

It’s almost three in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep because this has been hammering away at my head. And before this, it was everything else that I’ve had on my mind recently, mostly the ‘what the fuck am I doing with my life?’ bit.

I think I’ve just about hit rock bottom in my period of angst/depression. The past week or so has been pretty shitty emotionally for me. Sunday after I got home from work, most of the time I was at work yesterday and for the past couple of hours now I’ve felt about ready to cry. But I haven’t been able to let go. I think I’ve reached the point where the emotional catharsis would be really good for me.

Hopefully I’ll get that soon.

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